Saturday, October 31, 2009

Man in the Mirror

I got to see the new Micheal Jackson movie "this is it". I t was quite interesting to see the making of a concert and the different sides of him. The movie was like a mini concert. The movie also makes you think about who you are, where you are and how soon you can be gone. My 2 favorite songs were Man in the mirror and Earth song. the two makes me think what am I going to leave behind when I am gone? Morbid thoughts are not running through my mind but thoughts just the same are. I am coming to the conclusion that there is sooo much destruction in my world today that I must look at myself to see what it is that i am doing to help destroy my world. My world consist of so many things, personal, professional, local and global. I have so much influence on so many people and events that I lose myself in the quest for others happiness. I have decided to look in the mirror and make a change!! The change is: to better myself for me! To stop seeking the "holy grail". You see I am going stop chasing things, people, dreams that don't want to be caught. I am just gonna accept the fact that life is only as good as you make it to be. I have been searching for something to make it all right, make it whole when in reality I am Whole!! I am the man in the mirror. I have never really seen him before, excuses was all that i saw. So I say to all of you "look" at the person in the mirror "see" the person in the mirror, " love " the person in the mirror. The legacy you want to leave behind is the legacy that you LIVE today!!!

Live Free
Live Full
Live to Live

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Thank You!!!

I want to thank 4 very special people in my life. I recently went through a major event in my life and they were there for me. I had devastating news and tough decisions to make. these people gave the strength to keep the pace and strive to make the right decision. I had given up on so many occasions but they wouldn't let me
they kept me grounded. I have since conquered the issue and now live each day to the fullest. I have had some bad days as life is not always peachy but they have been and continue to be there. These people are not who you think they would be nor are they professional but very wise. Two of them had personal experiences with this and 1 was positive outcome and 1 was not. The ones who didn't you would never know they just had care and love in their hearts. they held true to me and I want to tell them THANK YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!!



I was praying for a miracle and then you came along!
A friend is a guardian in disguise. Thanks for watching out for me!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Lost Loved Ones

On the eve of the upcoming anniversary of my brother Darryl's death, I am reflecting on the whys? I have always said to others " rejoice in the time spent with them" I try to do the same but it isn't always possible. I miss him terribly. Darryl was the closest to me, we were 1 year, 1 month and 1 day apart from each other. He was the one who tried to keep us all together. He was never successful in his mission to get us all together before he passed but it. I write this tonite because I know others have lost someone very dear to them. Is there a time frame on how long you can mourn them? Why must there be a limit? I have lost in my lifetime both parents and all grandparents. I truly miss my mother alot and keep asking why? Why didn't she follow the instructions from the drs? why did she leave me? I need her so much, to comfort me and scold me to be ME. Am I being selfish? probably so. I know there are others out there like me asking the same questions. To all of you I say whatever it takes for you to keep them close to your heart you do. Do remember the good times and wish them much happiness on thier journey to wherever their spirit went. The question still remains as to why did they have to go? I don't believe they had to suffer. I know they held on as long as they could if not for themselves but for us. The pain they were suffering was a selfless pain because of the joy they saw in us. I guess when you get to a certain point in your life everyday IS a BLESSING! Unfortunately my grandmother didn't have a choice she was killed by a drunk driver while on her way to a close family friends funeral. My grandmother was my rock!! while my mother and brother was very important to me, my grandmother was my heart!! When i had given up on life she was the one who pulled me back into her arms and let me know it would be all right. Oh the comfort of her arms around me and looking up into her eyes gave me a sense of comfort like nothing else. I still have the last letter she wrote to me telling me everything would be alright. She was KILLED 2 weeks later. I have never said goodbye to her and I don't want to. You see it was my birthday month and now I look at that month with joy and anger. The joy for reaching another year and anger for not being able to share it with her and my other loved ones. One day at a time is all i do. Grandma, I LOVE YOU!!!! Darryl, THANK YOU!!!! Mom, I NEED YOU!!!! This is the selfish part of me. To all of you I cherished you, for without you I wouldn't be here today. I am well. I have succeeded so many things thanks to each of you. I see each of you everyday when i look at my family. I hope you can see the product of your love and guidance and are proud!!

I am you
You are me
We are family

Friday, October 23, 2009


Why do we despair over things we wont control? Most who despair are in situations brought on by themselves. Now I know some of us have medical issues that are not within our control but can have a maintained balance if you follow the directions given. I despair mainly over affairs of the heart, I know, I know this too can be controlled by me. I have never been able to let go very easily because I fall so deep into my relationships. I seem to go after the ones whom I know will not fulfill my void and leave behind the ones who have but I pushed aside. I know that most of my life I have been seeking for that void in my life that I created. My void is my self worth most of the time I feel very strong and positive but then the other time I sink so low that I cant see the top of HELL. Why am I this way I guess I don't want to know because that would make me whole. I obviously love being where I am because I have on many occasions been able to fill that void but havent. I am truly at the point where my misery and despair loves company. I will rebound as usual. I will survive. I just hope this time it is soon, my heart and body can't continue this path much longer. I know it is all within my control. I will control!!! I have to control!!!

Seek the source
Grasp the source
Engulf the source

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

True Friendship

Is it possible to have true friendship? What is true friendship? Does it have a price to be paid? Why is it so important to have it? Why do so many claim to be friends when they aren't?
So many questions, not enough answers. Friendship is defined as: the state of being a friend' a friendly relation or intimacy. Friend is defined as: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard, who gives assistance,supportive and not hostile. All of these definitions are found in the 'webster dictionary. so why is it that the people who you think are your friends turn out to be your worst enemies. I heard the term "frenemies" i thought how cool is that. You see to me friends are hard to find and True friends are even harder to find. I have categorized friendship in 3 categories 1. associates 2. friends 3. true friends
1= someone you hang out with but don't really care for if you dont see them on a regular basis, just having fun with.
2= someone whom you feel a closeness to and actually care if you dont see them much, have fun with
3= someone who knows you better than yourself sometimes and lets you be who you really are and not judgemental, closer than family, confidant,adviser, guider, foot in the butt provider.
you see I have lots of associates whom I have fun with and enjoy thier company. I have very few friends because I don't like having to many people too close. I have only literally a handful of true friends whom I can actually be myself with, i would give them the key to my home,my car, my heart. so many people have abused this feeling I and others have for them for thier own personal gain whether it be for money, prestige, physical or just for pure meanness. To be a true friend you have to listen, love, be forgiving, and care for the real person not just the person everyone see. Most people dont want others to know all about them but yet we all seek someone to find out about us so that we can be free to be ourselves. My true friends are just those kind of people. I love them deeply, cherish thier time spent with me, care for them more than family sometimes and let them be free to be themselves. True friendship is possible. Open you arms and welcome a new friend into your world but beware of their motives.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Some of you are probably why I write these postngs. I am a romantic at heart. I love the feeling of being loved. I love the tingly feeling i feel when someone says I love you. Heck I love it when she says I like you!! Heck I love just when she looks at me with endearing eyes. Writing these also are very theraputic. I listen to soft songs like what is on heart and soul on xm radio. The music there moves me to think how lucky I am to be able to share what time we have together. I will tell you all my blogs may not be as personal as these but I bet most of them will be.

Walk in the clouds with me
Let's share the starry nights together
Sunsets are meant to be shared by two

Unclaimed Loves

This is a very interesting subject for me. You see we all have felt that that special someone has gotten away from us and we feel we can go back. You cant deny that you still have a very soft spot in your heart for them. You wonder the great (What if's) what if i had done this or that? what if i told them i loved them more or even less, given them more space, more attentive, more supportive, more of myself, etc etc. Well on most occasions you cant go back I know it is hard to realize that believe me
I am speaking from true expeirences here. Other times you can go back but it will never be the same, it can be alot better if you two really want it to be, but it will take some work not to go back to your old ways. It can also not be great because for whatever reason you broke up in the first place still haunts the one who the recipient of the break up or even so the one who did the breaking up may realize that things havent changed. I say give it the old college try because until you resolve the issues you cant move forward with your life. i feel you should talk to your old love and be honest with each other why? what? happened to end your love affair. did the "lust" leave and if so why? be ready to accept the answer it may break your heart or may not, just be open minded and receptive. if your are married now and not happy because you think you should be with you high school sweetheart then go see them and talk about it. be ready for them to say no because they have moved on with thier lives and accepted thier chance on "unclaimed" loves has passed and wish not to reopen the pain. The other side is rhey have been waiting for you also all this time they just didnt know where to find you or were scared to tell you. give it a shot you have nothing to lose but everything to gain. what will you gain? YOU!!!!!!! that is what you will gain. i have done this and it has worked out to us being friends again only friends. there are still a few i need to do this with it as i know there is some you need to do this with. good luck

May you have the courage of the lion
May you have the strength of the elelphant
May you have the grace of the swan

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Accepting Responsibilty for Your Actions

Why is it that when people are not successful they blame others? It seems as if we cant or wont accept the fact that your past is not an excuse for you failures. All to often we blame our parents, past loves, past friendships, past life expeirences for our failures. while the past has helped mold you it is you who makes the decisions on what you become. You must accept the responsibility that you can change who you are if you want too. I am so sick and tired of hearing: my parents didnt treat me right, (the man) is keeping me down, the last person i was involved with broke my heart. these things happen it is called Life. i personally have used a few of these excuses myself but i have come to realized using these has only stopped me from becoming the person i want to be. it has also stopped me from receiving and giving the love i wanted. you see all of us have come form some kind of messed up upbringing or situation. alot of us have grown from it and others are still wallowing in it (self pity) STOP THE B---SH--. you are the master of your being no one else except the fact you can be someone great, you can receive someone great in your life, you can have all the great things you want in your life if you just ACCEPT the fact that it is YOU who is holding you back NOONE ELSE. whatever it was that happened to you accept that you are still a good person. you must focus on what you need (materials) not just what you want. once you have met your needs the wants will come along. asw in all my messages i have learned or am still in the learning stages of following my own advice. some days it is very hard to do so but i cant be truly whole unless i accept resposibility for my actions as well. i have done so on many occasions recently and they have been met with mix feelings(reactions) that is ok. it is not for others to make me whole but to help guide me on my journey as i will help guide you.

Peace in your minds
Love in your hearts
Serenity in your soul

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Is showing your love the same as proving your love

Wow these questions just keep coming.  i love it.  the question is showing your love the same as proving your love?  is saying i love you daily the same as proving your love to that person?  is this the only way to show your love? one question has drawn so many more.  if you had asked me this a few months ago i would have said yes but now after doing a lot of soul searching and feedback, i have found that it is not in the words but in the actions. i thought the more you said i love you the more it would make the person love me back, because everyone wanted to be loved and told they love you, boy was i wrong.  the words dont mean a thing if you dont put action behind it.  what actions you may ask?  well it is up to the individual that you are with, if really listen to them they will tell you what they want.  so many times we only hear what we want to hear, i know this to be true!  you will lose the one you are with if you dont really listen.  excuse me Hear what they say because i am sure you are listening to them.  your actions can be very minute, mellow or extreme ask your partner what it is they want from you and you do the same.  be honest with them lying will only cause heartache.  if you just make your mate a cup of coffee, pick them up from work, show interest in their hobbies, just Hear what they are saying, giving them space when they need and want it, giving them that special little smile :) that sweet little peck on the cheek, asking how thier day went, getting the kids off to school, wearing that little outfit they love to see you in then you are showing and proving your love to them.  if a person wants to belittle you and demand that you love them and you gotta do this and that then love is not there.  showing your love is just this: letting someone be the person you met, you fell in love (lust) with, letting them know you support them even if it is a stupid idea.  showing and proving your love is the same if you truly care for that person.  but it all wont matter if your mate/partner isnt willing to do the same for you!  i care deeply.  i love deeply.; i lust deeply. i have learned to Hear deeply. i hear you!!!; i love you!!!; i like you!!! I want you!!

I have lost in love but gained in wisdom. the smart thing for me to do is use this knowledge wisely but i am sure i will mess this up somewhere. i am only human after all.

Love long
Love hard
Just Love

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Love? or Lust?

Love is defined by Webster as: profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  Lust is defined by Webster as: intense sexual desire or appetite.  Well well quite a difference between the two huh?  so why do we get them confused?  I think first i must the word love gets thrown around so much that it has virtually lost its true meaning according to Webster or "whomever defined it"  I can honestly say that all of us want to be loved and w dont feel whole without someone loving us.  the problem is, you are loved by someone in the world every second of the day whether you know them or not you are loved.  now the thing is what kind of love? well  I love my spouse,  my brothers and sisters, my best friends, my friends, my associates, elephants, shrimp, golf, football, my car, my house  etc etc we all could go on but each one is a different kind of love wouldnt you agree? The love i want to talk about is personal love that we all crave for, the kind of love that makes us all gooey inside, heart race, that special feeling that you just can't explain.  Well, that feeling comes after Lust, i know you wont agree with me now but wait i am gonna give you something to think about.  when you first meet someone it isnt love you feel, it is lust you look at that person and say " they are cute, pretty, sexy, beautiful etc" it is not until you get to know tht person that  so call love develops.  Most people may think I am wrong but you cant see love but you can see someone whom is attractive to you and stirs a little want inside of you.  it is lust that makes you want to get to know them better and hopefully love them.  Now we also get confused on what is love and "in love."  i have used the phrase in love on many occasions. the truth of the matter is that in love doesnt exist it is " in lust" my new phrase i am coining this phrase  haha too late!!  so when we say i am not in love with you, you are really saying i dont desire you anymore.  you cant fall out of love with someone you have given your heart, mind too. you just put them i another love catergory. you see if you have spent more than a day with someone, missed someone, wished they were next to you, seen a car that looks like thiers, dreamed about them then you have deep love for them.  now alot of you think that you can be friends with benefits, are friends with benefits or having non commital sex "relationships" but you arent you are " in lust" with that person and no matter how much you want to lie to yourself, say it isnt so it is.  you cant give any part of you without feeling this emotion of lust and love.  love can never be taken back, given away or lost it is just redefined.  i love the mothers of my children, my ex wife but not in the same way i used to, see what i am saying?  now you have decided to give yourself to this person but are afraid of being hurt or if in your mind you think that "noncommital relationships" will stop the certainty of pain than once again you are fooling yourself.  i have thought that this was possible and have started out with this thought every time i have started a new relationship but it always comes down to love.  i miss, dream, want, need that person beside me.  it is because of the feeling that they make me feel that this is a necessity.  i know some of you will agree and some wont that is ok but look at your past and present relationships. tell me where and why did they start and where and why are they still around or gone?  i like you have been told that you must be " in love " with someone to be whole but that is not true.  you were whole when you were born and you will be whole when you die because you came into this world this way.  i am "in lust" right now, i am loving right now.  so many of us stay together because of this thing called love, the "inlust" feelings are gone but we stay out of the need to be "loved".  i say to hell with the need to be loved but stay because of the "lust" because that is what lets you wake up, go to sleep and puts a song in your heart each day because you are being lusted after and are lusting after someone. if i am have "lusted" after you than i feel blessed to have shared that feeling somewhere it did leave but the "love " has not the feelings have changed.  dont fight the "lust " embrace it, enjoy it dont let the false wall of vulnerabilty hold you back from expressing it to that person.  i know that when you do you will expeirence such a euphoric feeling like no other!

To all of you I wish you great joy and happiness for i have found it and lost it but on a quest to recover it. Join my journey.


Rev. David Smith 

as always i welcome your take on my run-ons.  feel free to let your friends know

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